Did you know that only 24% of therapists in the US are men, according to Psychology Today? Of this limited pool of male mental health clinicians, an even more limited subset identify as a racial minority. Samuel Shin is one of these rare male therapists. Samuel is a licensed therapist, certified men’s coach and mentor for the Asian community. He’s been in the field of psychology for 20 years, and started off as a therapist. He later left his career in mental health to coach, teach, and humanize mental illness and bridge the divide between Western psychology & Eastern cultures. He currently helps Asian men own their authentic selves in their careers, families & relationships using therapeutic frameworks, meditation and transformational coaching.
Samuel sat down with Anise Health, a culturally-responsive mental health platform, to share his story and help normalize men’s mental health. Buckle up for some spicy insights!
Embarking on a Path Less Travelled
Born in the States as a son of Korean immigrant parents, Samuel was raised in a strict, traditional Asian household. But, early on in life, he wanted to break out of the mental and emotional restrictions that came with his upbringing, and was drawn to psychology, philosophy and spirituality which was atypical for an Asian man. However, it was through psychology and his professional work of becoming a therapist that Samuel was able to heal his mental health issues, improve his dating & relationships and find purpose in his life.
In 2020, Samuel decided to shift his focus towards helping Asian men develop authenticity, confidence and fulfillment in dating and relationships. At the time, there were few, if any, male dating coaches who taught dating in a genuine way, and he felt motivated to bring what he had learned and achieved in his own journey to other men. Dating in the West can be difficult for Asian men, yet Samuel’s focus on embracing his own authenticity is what allowed him to create attraction and find success dating in a Western country as an Asian man, which is what he now teaches.
Conservative Confucianism vs Freedom of Expression
“In the current generation, it doesn’t really work as a man to be more reserved and shy as our parents taught us. If you grow up still feeling like you can’t put yourself out there, take chances, and be forward with women or in life, you are going to find it challenging to be successful in dating, relationships and even career.” – Samuel Shin.
What specific challenges do Asian men face when it comes to dating? First, generational differences and contrasting values between Asian immigrant parents and their children who must find their way in a Western country play a huge part. According to the Pew Research Center, 71% of Asian American adults were born in another country compared to 17% of all adults nationwide. In practice, this means that oftentimes Asian immigrant parents and families established traditional households that held conservative-leaning views on marriage and romantic relationships; in contrast, their children are currently growing up in an era which has more liberal views towards dating and sex. These cultural differences are especially pronounced for Asian men who grew up with parents that promoted modesty, humility, and restraint but are now expected to be assertive and direct when pursuing career and romantic interests. This means that Asian men have the additional obstacle of navigating a bicultural tension of learning how to adapt and modulate their self-expression in different contexts (e.g. family vs. work vs. dating).
Parental pressures and family expectations or values can have a particularly prominent influence on Asian men and their dating habits and preferences. Some children of immigrants adopt the virtues that their parents uphold (e.g. marriage-focus, politeness, respect, and sexual-restraint), which may clash from virtues espoused in the workplace, society or even among friends (e.g. chemistry-focus, assertiveness, self-expression). This means that an adult’s dating strategies and mindset may simply model their parents when it comes to finding a partner, starting a family, or even exploring one’s own sexuality. However, when dating someone with a different cultural upbringing, it may complicate the already arduous dating process. To overcome this chasm, Samuel encourages Asian men to undergo their own “individuation process” which includes doing the inner work of adjusting their value system and separating it from that of their parents. This process includes deeper reflection of one’s own values, selecting which ones to hold on to, and letting go of ones that are not serving their life.
These are examples of the cultural considerations in therapy that are particularly important for any person who identifies as a minority living in a majority and highlights the importance of finding a care program which incorporates cultural competence in counseling and even coaching.
The Two Most Important Ingredients
“Learning how to embrace healthy sexuality is one of the beauties of life, and naturally creates attraction and chemistry for romantic connections.” – Samuel Shin.
Asian cultures tend to be more conservative around sex, whereas Western cultures emphasize it. Through creating a sex positive environment coupled with practical meditations, Samuel builds the confidence of his male clients by helping them feel comfortable in their own skin and confident with their sexuality. This work teaches Asian men to embrace their masculinity and sexuality in healthy ways, instead of turning to the “pick-up industry” which isn’t culturally sensitive and pushes men to hyper-sexualize themselves and women.
In addition to sexuality, men can also strengthen their feeling of security by developing emotional intelligence and understanding Attachment Styles. Samuel briefly summarized Attachment Theory, a psychological framework to understand how individuals form emotional bonds and relationships with others based on their relationships with their caregivers during their formative years. Men who have Anxious Attachment Styles feel insecure, fear abandonment and rejection, and have pervasive negative thoughts and limiting beliefs which will sabotage their dating lives. Working on Attachment is the second piece to Samuel’s framework, as it creates emotional safety and security within a man, healthier mindsets, and intrinsic confidence and self-worth.
Fitting a Square Peg in a Round Hole
There are many examples of generic dating advice that trend on social media but aren’t personalized or tailored for Asian men. For instance, broad dating guidance prioritizes how to generate attraction by glamorizing sleazy techniques to get women’s attention, but these tend to lead to inauthentic connections and unhealthy relationships (Samuel’s worked with these types of men). A more sustainable way to establish an enduring romantic connection and set-up a relationship for success is to express oneself authentically – both emotionally and sexually – and find someone who connects with, embraces and even adores who that person genuinely is. This isn’t work that’s really espoused or taught for Asian men.
As a final thought, Samuel reminds us that dating is nothing to take personally and can simply be a clash of cultures, especially for Asian men. This recognition can help take the pressure off of “finding the one” and instead working on yourself to “become the one” that can succeed in dating. For people living as an “Asian minority in a White majority culture”, working on emotional insecurities, attachment and healthy sexual expression will not only help you adapt but thrive in the dating marketplace. Even more, it will develop who you are as man in healthy ways, so you can be more confident in yourself and create a life that brings you fulfillment.
“Work on the shame, work on the guilt, work on yourself. By learning to be comfortable in your own skin and confident in your body you will find wholeness in your life.” – Samuel Shin.
To learn more about Samuel and his work, checkout his Instagram (@samuelshin.co) and his website (authenticdatingcoach.com)
To learn more about Anise Health, checkout their
Instagram: @anisehealth
Website: https://anisehealth.co/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/74712934/
To sign up for the Men’s Mental Health discussion group in Jan 2024 run by Samuel Shin and Anise Health, complete this 5 minute intake form here.
Written by Anise Health (authors Ally Fukada, Angel Wang) a culturally-responsive mental health platform for the Asian community. Learn more about Anise Health’s clinical care model and 1:1 culturally-responsive services available in California and New York on our website here. If you live elsewhere in the US, are looking for something a bit lighter touch, or run an organization that wants to partner with us – be sure to also check out our group services including psychoeducational webinars, interactive workshops, and more!
