When it comes to dating, many of us have fallen into the trap of pretending to be someone we’re not, hoping it will make us more attractive. Movies, Television, and social media paint an image of what it takes to find love. It’s human nature to look at these sources for guidance and to mirror ourselves on the beautiful people we see. Unfortunately, the more we try to be someone else, the more unhappy and disconnected we feel. This article explores why embracing your unique self—quirks and all—is the real key to finding genuine love and happiness.
The Pitfall of Playing a Role
I can still remember the times in high school when I would try to mirror the behavior of “cool” guys so that girls would be interested in talking to me. I remember watching shows on MTV about pick-up artists who had derived the perfect formula for attracting the opposite sex. I remember being aloof and oftentimes even mean because I was convinced it would get me out of the friend zone. I also remember being unhappy, lonely, and borderline depressed. I think the majority of us at one time or another tried to be the person we thought we needed to attract the person we wanted. As it turns out, we were doing it completely backward.
Shaped by Unique Experiences
It took me a long time to realize the greatest part of being human is our differences. Every single person on Earth is unique. And I don’t mean it in the cheesy way that everyone is a wonderful unique snowflake, but in a way I guess I do. We all start as a piece of clay that is slowly shaped over time by our experiences. The way we are shaped is not only determined by the experience itself but also by the material our clay is made from. Even though my brother and I got our material from the same parents, we each have a slightly different type. We grew up in the same house, but the way we experienced moments and events was not entirely the same. And although I might look a lot like my brother, we are still vastly different people. If my brother and I are wildly different, imagine how different I am than someone born on the other side of the planet.
The point I’m trying to make is that as much as we sometimes want to be like someone else, the reality is we never will and the sooner we can embrace this notion the sooner we will find peace.
Why Being Authentic Matters
When it comes to finding love and happiness, there are a couple of major problems that arise when we don’t embrace our authentic weird selves. A major one is the love we find. We’ve all been there. You meet someone at a bar or friend’s BBQ and are immediately drawn into them. You’re attracted to how they look and more than likely how they talk. Something about them brings you in and makes you never want to leave.
Suddenly you start wondering what you should say or do to make them feel the same way about you. Maybe they are wearing a metal band t-shirt so you decide you’ve always loved rock music, even though you avoid listening to it whenever possible. Or they mention how they voted Republican in the last election so you highlight how it makes sense from a financial standpoint even though you are passionate about minority rights and always vote blue. Even worse maybe they start making fun of a mutual friend you like, so you join in and highlight a few personality traits that just last week you complimented them on but now find yourself poking fun of.
When you start changing for someone, they may fall in love with who they think you are—leaving you stuck and maintaining an unpleasant façade. And while the first few months or even years might not be too bad, eventually it will wear you down. You’ll find yourself getting annoyed at little things your partner says or does. You’ll find yourself being embarrassed by their opinions and wanting to avoid certain topics when out with friends. You’ll find yourself getting angry and frustrated but are not exactly sure why or where the feelings are coming from.
Unfortunately, you can only mask your true self for so long before it comes bubbling to the surface. And now you find yourself in a difficult situation where you are tied to someone you no longer want to be with. You went from changing your entire personality to be with this person to looking for any halfway decent excuse to break things off. You feel trapped because the reasons you want to end the relationship are things you’ve known all along. You simply aren’t willing to put up with them anymore. As much as you want to be angry at your partner and blame them, the reality is you only have yourself to blame because you knew what you were signing up for and did it anyway.
I don’t want to paint a bleak picture, but I do want to paint an honest one. The hard truth is that when you sacrifice pieces of yourself to attract someone, you’ll struggle to be happy because you have failed to accept and ultimately love yourself. And there’s no way to love someone else if you can’t love yourself first.
Embracing Your Flaws as a Strength
I mentioned what can go wrong when you don’t embrace your weirdness, but what can go right if you do? Well as it turns out, a lot. There are two universal truths that I’ve found when it comes to attracting people, whether sexually or platonically. Everyone is attracted to confidence (not arrogance), and everyone is attracted to authenticity. You can kill both birds with one stone by leaning into who you are, weird and all.
There’s something beautiful that happens when you own your flaws and aren’t afraid to communicate them: you give others the roadmap for doing the same. I’ll often make fun of myself for not being able to grow a beard (really not even a moustache) or for how pale I am regardless of living in a place that’s full of sun and warmth year-round. When I confidently laugh at myself for the inability to grow facial hair I’m subliminally telling people “I might have this flaw, but I’ve already accepted it”. If you’re able to communicate your flaws with confidence you are telling people “Regardless of my shortcomings I’m still awesome and I still love myself”. Not only does this make you attractive because you are showing confidence where many would hide, but you are showing others they too can be flawed and still have worth. You’re painting a picture of a lifestyle they want to live and showing them how to live it. You will suddenly find people wanting to spend time with you because you give them the gift of self-love and self-acceptance. They realize they don’t need to hide themselves from you and can be comfortable lowering their walls knowing they are in a safe space.
Owning and embracing your weirdness will bring you success in the dating world because it will not only make you more attractive but will also attract the right people. Instead of worrying about how you will make yourself attractive to someone you can relax knowing that you will naturally attract the right person through showcasing who you are. Not only will you be able to attract the right person, but you will save yourself time and pain by pushing away the people you are meant to. If a potential partner doesn’t accept your love of football or Dungeons and Dragons…good because it means they aren’t the right person for you. Often, we mold ourselves into who we think we need to be to spark a connection when we should focus on being ourselves and letting the right connections find us.
Moving Ahead
Embracing your authentic self not only attracts the right people but also brings peace and self-acceptance. By showing confidence in your unique quirks and values, you make room for genuine connections that don’t require pretending. The journey to self-love isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. When you embrace who you are, you’ll find that the right people are drawn to you naturally, making the dating experience far more fulfilling and ultimately successful.
